And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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