mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
