I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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