The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
