last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
