I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
