Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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