i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
