you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
