please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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