Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
