it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
