Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
