Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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