Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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