PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
