I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
