this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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