I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
