I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
