I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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