I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
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