Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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