My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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