That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
