Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
