There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
