i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
