she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
