You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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