My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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