i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
