Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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