I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
