We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
