We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
