I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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