her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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