You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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