Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
