i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
