What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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