omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize