My room smells like vodka and shame
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
