so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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