Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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