mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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