your parents love me but you hate me
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
