So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
