good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
