i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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