i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
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