i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
