No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Randomize
