in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We had sex on a dog bed..
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
