I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
