Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
