She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
