my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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