About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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