Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
