we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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